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First Day back to work

3 Jan

Today is my first full day back to work. The days leading up to now were a lot harder then I expected them to be. The thought of being apart from the life form that up until now has been by my side almost 24 hrs a day started to sound wrong. My maternal instincts were saying, “how can you abandon your child?!” “He needs you!” After rationalizing with myself I was determined to make the best of it. Thank God I’m blessed to have wonderful family support particularly my mother in law and my mama to help us out during this time. That being said I have no doubt in my mind that my child is being cared for. Where does that leave me….

-I am thankful for a job that helps pay for my benefits to keep my family healthy

-I am thankful for my breast pump which allows me to nourish my baby even from far away.

-I’m endlessly thankful for my loving supportive husband to keep my spirits up and keep me reassured.

So it leaves me feeling thankful for all the support. Though my heart may be aching for the sweet snuggles of my son I know that everything is gonna be okay, and at 3:45 he will be back in my arms. 

Where do I belong?

27 Mar

Since I have entered my adult years I’ve have been presented with harsh realities about life. Not only does adulthood come with more responsibilities it comes with more knowledge, and more desire to find the truth. As a child its easy to listen to your elders and take everything they told you to be true. Things like right and wrong were really easy to decipher and now there is so much grey area I can basically use logic to argue anything. Whether that “logic” is sound is yet to be discovered.

As a child who grew up in a non-denominational christian household I learned to love and trust in God. We didn’t attend church regularly, we actually didn’t belong to one church. My grandmother was my biggest influence in my spirituality. She taught me from the bible, she sang hymns with me, she showed me that god was love and that he would always take care of me my whole life.  I believed in heaven and hell and was taught you could only get to heaven through Jesus. Even through all my struggles I believe this to be true, but it has still been hard to accept it full heartedly without doubt like I used to back when I was in my youth. My heart has been left wanting, craving more spirituality in my life and I find myself fearing death now more than I ever had. Everything seems so temporary more now than ever. Its like wow life is so short. I ask questions like, what am I doing with my life? am I a good person? will I go to heaven? what will happen when I die? To me these are questions people who have doubt in their heart ask. I don’t want doubt in my heart. I hate it.

I look to spiritual leaders to guide me on my journey but every group I find has something that I don’t feel exactly right with. There is something that man can do to something so pure that I have trouble trusting anyone in the religious community. I’ve always associated myself as a “non denominational” christian because organized religion to me can be easily corrupted. On the other hand I believe as humans we need to have fellowship and communion with other that share your faith. Its hard to be strong on your own. I wish had a place to go where I felt like I belonged, somewhere where I could grow as a christian. Somewhere where I could feel like I could be closer to God. I want to learn about his teachings but I have a hard time learning on my own. My biggest fear is I cannot instill Gods love into my children.

As I write this I can’t help but feel like people I am friends with are horrified. That they think I’m a lunatic, that I’m going to poison my children with fantasies and not let them make there own decisions about life.  Its so hard because the society we live in today makes me feel suffocated. I feel like if I tell someone I have christian beliefs I’m automatically someone who is dangerous, someone who needs to be educated about science, someone that is bigoted…but that couldn’t be further from the truth.I think science rocks. I love everyone. I have friends from every walk of life and I would dare judge them or condemn them, I just love them. That’s all. So I hope people can just love me. Here I am defending my self preemptively before I’m even attacked. I wish I didn’t feel that way, but after seeing the way people, even my friends, can be so narrow minded scares me.

Back to my struggle. Not that the above paragraph isn’t apart of the struggle. Now that it is getting closer to Easter I feel so hopeless of finding a church to go to. I want to be in fellowship with my community celebrating the resurrection of Christ. I want a rebirth of my own spirituality. I want to learn what God wants me to do with my life, I want to be strong enough in my faith that I can share his love with my children. How do I do these things. I pray but they feel empty, I feel distant, I feel sad. My brain can’t explain everything but my heart feels things my brain can’t understand. I’ve always been one to follow my heart. Kinda off point but  why do all the “non denominational” churches have to have rock concerts with smoke machines and light shows. I’m I the only person that just wants some pure acoustic sounds to praise to.

I have so many unanswered questions. Why can’t my brain be soothed with faith? I see spiritual leaders in high profile “non denominational” churches saying things that I believe spreads hate. Not only do I feel like I can’t accept them, I don’t feel like they can accept me. I can’t deny things like evolution and science. I’m hard headed, I’m not a good follower, I am a free thinker. I love Harry Potter.

Is there a place for me out there? Are there more of you out there?

 

 

Fun Filled Weekend

22 Apr

This weekend was really jam packed with things and I didn’t quite get everything I wanted to get done done, but it was really fun.

Friday we were pretty tired from the week so instead of cooking we went to Sprouts and got all our favorite little snacks and finger foods and we noshed. There was hummus, olives, cheese, french bread, roast beef, horseradish, whole grain mustard, poblano peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, and some Castlerock Pinot noir. Afterwards we decided  go see Oblivion. I don’t really like going to the movies, I always feel like I’m getting ripped off, but we had free tickets from a while back and this was a movie that I was pretty interested in. I happen to LOVE sci fi, especially post apocalyptic movies. So we went to see Oblivion with Tom Cruise. I got really comfy in a hoodie and leggings ( I hate being uncomfortable and cold in the movies) put a scrunchy in my hair and we went. I really liked this movie, it had a nice little twist that I kinda guessed before it happened. Its weird, I might be the only one that does this, but when I watched the film I kept getting distracted by the personal beliefs of Tom Cruise and how he must really like doing Sci Fi films because of how it falls in line with his religion (which I don’t know too much about) I do have to say I really liked the movie, and I got to see my precious King Slayer, Jamie Lannister. (Can’t get enought GoT)

So on Saturday we went to the dog park. After being there for about 30 min we realized our dogs weren’t really having too much fun. Lily is kinda a loner and a little grouchy, and Molly is a alpha and wouldn’t let any dog smell her, get near her, or play. So we noticed a little patch of grass that was between two baseball fields that was vacant so we took the dogs there and played frisbee. It was a beautiful day and we really enjoyed ourselves. I have to say seeing my dogs happy and getting fresh air has to be one of the most satisfying things. I wish I had grass in my backyard. We are going to try to plant some this year. NM is just so dry and I hate feeling bad for using up our states water so I can have a lawn, but we are going to try a really resistant hardy grass.

After that we were exausted and accidentally took a 3 hour nap. When we woke up we went to a local brewery “La Cumbre” and picked up a growler of hefe for Daniel’s Dads Birthday. We went over and had beer, margarita’s, yummy appetizers, yuca, and pernil. Pernil is a way of cooking pork, Daniel’s step mom is from Panama and there food is pretty awesome. I think the highlight of the night for Daniel was playing with his little sister Sabina and doing experiments with her science kit.

Sunday it was Daniels B-Day Celebration with his friends and he wanted to go to HInkle Family Fun Center. Its not my favorite places (I like to avoid places with sticky children and all the chaos that comes with winning tickets and standing in line) But my husbands inner child loves this place and if it makes him happy then I am happy. We actually had a really fun time. I will post the pictures below! We finished the day off at O’Niells one of our favorite local irish pubs. We sat outside on the patio, and enjoyed good food and good drinks. Great way to finish of the weekend!

Friday Night Nosh

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Saturday Night Dinner

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Sunday

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Deathly Hallows Tattoo

17 Jul

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This is the Deathly Hallows tattoo that I recently got this past winter. I’m absolutely in love with it. I’m sure you can tell by the name of this blog that I’m completely obsessed with HP. I’m 24 right now and as you fellow potter heads can attest to we’ve grown up with this book literally, my generation has had the amazing privilege to have one of the greatest story’s of all time unfold before us. We were young children, most of us looking for a place to belong, and JK Rowling gave us a whole world of magic. She taught us lessons about right and wrong, about friendship and above all other things she taught us how to love. I’m happy I get to have this on me to remind me of all the magic that exists inside every single one of us.