Where do I belong?

27 Mar

Since I have entered my adult years I’ve have been presented with harsh realities about life. Not only does adulthood come with more responsibilities it comes with more knowledge, and more desire to find the truth. As a child its easy to listen to your elders and take everything they told you to be true. Things like right and wrong were really easy to decipher and now there is so much grey area I can basically use logic to argue anything. Whether that “logic” is sound is yet to be discovered.

As a child who grew up in a non-denominational christian household I learned to love and trust in God. We didn’t attend church regularly, we actually didn’t belong to one church. My grandmother was my biggest influence in my spirituality. She taught me from the bible, she sang hymns with me, she showed me that god was love and that he would always take care of me my whole life.  I believed in heaven and hell and was taught you could only get to heaven through Jesus. Even through all my struggles I believe this to be true, but it has still been hard to accept it full heartedly without doubt like I used to back when I was in my youth. My heart has been left wanting, craving more spirituality in my life and I find myself fearing death now more than I ever had. Everything seems so temporary more now than ever. Its like wow life is so short. I ask questions like, what am I doing with my life? am I a good person? will I go to heaven? what will happen when I die? To me these are questions people who have doubt in their heart ask. I don’t want doubt in my heart. I hate it.

I look to spiritual leaders to guide me on my journey but every group I find has something that I don’t feel exactly right with. There is something that man can do to something so pure that I have trouble trusting anyone in the religious community. I’ve always associated myself as a “non denominational” christian because organized religion to me can be easily corrupted. On the other hand I believe as humans we need to have fellowship and communion with other that share your faith. Its hard to be strong on your own. I wish had a place to go where I felt like I belonged, somewhere where I could grow as a christian. Somewhere where I could feel like I could be closer to God. I want to learn about his teachings but I have a hard time learning on my own. My biggest fear is I cannot instill Gods love into my children.

As I write this I can’t help but feel like people I am friends with are horrified. That they think I’m a lunatic, that I’m going to poison my children with fantasies and not let them make there own decisions about life.  Its so hard because the society we live in today makes me feel suffocated. I feel like if I tell someone I have christian beliefs I’m automatically someone who is dangerous, someone who needs to be educated about science, someone that is bigoted…but that couldn’t be further from the truth.I think science rocks. I love everyone. I have friends from every walk of life and I would dare judge them or condemn them, I just love them. That’s all. So I hope people can just love me. Here I am defending my self preemptively before I’m even attacked. I wish I didn’t feel that way, but after seeing the way people, even my friends, can be so narrow minded scares me.

Back to my struggle. Not that the above paragraph isn’t apart of the struggle. Now that it is getting closer to Easter I feel so hopeless of finding a church to go to. I want to be in fellowship with my community celebrating the resurrection of Christ. I want a rebirth of my own spirituality. I want to learn what God wants me to do with my life, I want to be strong enough in my faith that I can share his love with my children. How do I do these things. I pray but they feel empty, I feel distant, I feel sad. My brain can’t explain everything but my heart feels things my brain can’t understand. I’ve always been one to follow my heart. Kinda off point but  why do all the “non denominational” churches have to have rock concerts with smoke machines and light shows. I’m I the only person that just wants some pure acoustic sounds to praise to.

I have so many unanswered questions. Why can’t my brain be soothed with faith? I see spiritual leaders in high profile “non denominational” churches saying things that I believe spreads hate. Not only do I feel like I can’t accept them, I don’t feel like they can accept me. I can’t deny things like evolution and science. I’m hard headed, I’m not a good follower, I am a free thinker. I love Harry Potter.

Is there a place for me out there? Are there more of you out there?



One Response to “Where do I belong?”

  1. Jeyna Grace March 28, 2014 at 2:25 am #

    There’s always a place for you, and you will find it one day 🙂

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